Maybe it was because she wore her NASA jumper today, or maybe it was just a day to feel a little emotional in general but when I tucked in Faye for her nap today my mind traveled back in time and replayed the day we found out that we were having a girl.
I had known all along, somehow you just know as a Mum to be, but to actually have it confirmed and to hear the words "It's a girl" was still a shock, a positive, butterfly feels, good surprise type of shock.
Like an engagement... or saying I love you for the first time or like the day Dave asked me to move in with him...one of these BIG moments in life.
Don't get me wrong here, I totally had no preference for one sex or the other. I was just beyond grateful and happy to be carrying this precious soul in my body and about the chance to become a Mum. Now that we got that out of the way...
It was just that all my hopes and worries for her came to me at once.
Being a woman I just felt somewhat anxious and that night I didn't sleep.
I was thinking about all the challenges women face in the world, of how to explain the world to her, to raise her to be strong and to find a way of being herself. It would have probably been the same for raising a boy, but with being female myself I just somehow felt more emotional.
It also puts on even more responsibility on me as her Mum. The way I treat myself and others, I am her role model for now. I am the one she hangs out with day to day.
So what do I want her to see? How can I be the most kind and accepting of myself?
What are the priorities in my life? Being a makeup artist, I see women's insecurities all the time. I also sometimes contribute to the "perfect" images of created "beauty" and I just wish that Faye can stay clear of these things. I want her to stay pure and beautiful the way she is, you know?
To understand that real beauty is on the inside.
We will do what we can to accept her 100%. Gender is a funny thing.
I strive to nurture her interests and preferences no matter if they are "boyish" or "girly"
I guess the gender reveal made everything even more real and raised all sorts of concerns and wishes. How to bring up kind and confident children in today's world?
How can I be the teacher and guide she needs?
There is so much to learn about this journey and about Faye. I am conscious of the time and the attention she needs from me. It's a full-time job.
Now how to not lose sight of all the creative things I do besides mothering, my business and how to contribute financially to our family at the same time?
Women have many roles today and a high price to pay for our feminism.
How come that we are always multi-tasking. How do we find balance? And mostly, how do we stay present and raise our own children? It's a big job and I hope we will all find the love and support to make it happen.